Nothing from the sea.

I don’t eat anything from the sea. Let me tell you why. Because it’s from the sea. The sea is a fancy word for liquid leftovers of creatures that couldn’t make it on land.  Shrimp: ocean roaches. Crabs: arachnids! It’s also a dumping ground for human waste. So there’s leftover animals, leftover animal waste and here’s some human trash to spice it up a notch. Delicious. Hypodermic needles? Yes please. Human fecal matter? Only if I can get it with a side of rust sucking crab and mercury laden fish. Yummo. You mean you can swim in it, piss in it, vomit in it, spew fuel into it, dump garbage into it and still promise me it yields heart healthy omega 3’s? Well by all means serve me up a plate of that disaster!

Listen, there are critters with really big teeth in the ocean. There are bodies, human ones, mutilated and decaying tossed at sea. There are any number of rotting ships, boats, cars, bikes and even airplanes littering the floor of these great waters. You’ll find none of these ingredients in your tuna tartare, but they’re in there! Where do you think the flavor comes from? Not to mention scallops, mussels, clams…it’s like looking into a used tissuse and saying holy shit I gotta eat that. And lots of it.

And why, please, explain it to me – why on earth would you want to eat anything that smells like the ass end of an armpit on a July day in Africa? There is no “aroma” when it comes to seafood, there is only funk. Foul, wretched, FUNK. Anything that smells like that is actually a warning. If you need to put Vicks under your nose to avoid passing out, it’s not meant to be food. It’s a warning. “I smell like this because I am reconstituted trash – don’t eat me.”

So I’m just saying…I’m not crazy. Eat it if you want. But would you put tires in your stew? Add gasoline to your pasta or serve your family a meal marinated in rust and flesh? Well, that’s the sea for you, a big ass brewing batch of filth masked as food. No thanks.  

Now with that being said I could really go for some Cheddar Bay Biscuits.